So I went to work tonight, for the first time in a month. It was nice. I got to go out and interact with more people. Adam is wonderful, but he gets to leave every day and see other people. So tonight, it was nice to get out.
Don't get me wrong, I get to see other people, and I get to socialize, but it's not the same. And seeing the same people and getting same (small range of) daily stimuli every day is not good for my mental health. It is not good for my mood. And overexposure to some people, even the perceived pressure of socialization, is exhausting. I have a serious guilt complex when it comes to socializing. I like to be in a certain comfort zone. I like to see certain people and do certain things, and I feel guilty that I don't want to see everyone all the time like they want me to. I feel guilty that I don't want to do the things that everyone else wants to do when they want to do them.
You know what I want? I want the people around me to get to know me. I can think of 4 people that know me. And Adam is at the top of that list. And when the other people, who are not in that 4, get a glimpse of some of the many facets in my personality, some balk. Some judge. Some gossip. Some hold out their hands to me though, and welcome me. Some people, who call themselves friends, don't know anything personal about me. Those are the people that cause me guilt. Because with them, I am not me. With them, I am simply who they perceive me to be, and that bothers me. I don't like it. I don't like being a certain kind of person if I don't feel like a certain kind of person.
Do you know what else I want? I want people who care about me to show they care about me. Do people ever sit back and think "Hey, what about Pam?" I was very sick this year, and do you know who looked after me? Adam. Adam was there for me. Adam was there for me when I needed to break down; he was there for me when I kept getting bad news; he was there for me when I didn't have faith that the next day would be better. He was there for me when no one else was. And I want to know why no one else was. I want to know why the situation, to some people, didn't warrant me needing to lean on my friends. Seriously. Why? I was sick, I couldn't do anything, I couldn't even be awake for long periods of time. And some people guilted me; flat out guilted me. Why am I not spending time with them? Why am I not there for them? Why am I hiding away. You know what? I WAS SICK. Not PMS sick. Not flu sick. Not cough and cold season sick. I was sick. Can't eat, can't be on my feet, at times need help walking down the hall because it is simply too far, paralysis, SICK. At certain points I could understand why people who are terminally sick welcome death, because it is something. I was nowhere near death, and trying like hell to stay positive about my situation, with a hell of a lot of help from Adam, and little to no help from anyone else. Except Jen. She helped whenever she could, and took very special care of me whenever she could. She needs an honorable mention here.
So where were all my friends then?
And where are they now? Who knows. Some are abroad or in other parts of Canada, and others are here. I'm on the mend and happier with Adam and in the life I live, even if struggling with certain things, than I have ever been.
So if people are not there for me in the good times, and not there for me in the bad, why do I call them friends? Oh yeah, guilt. Why do I feel the need to do things I don't want to do? Oh yeah, guilt. Guilt is a bitch.
When I came down with Bell's Palsy in 2006, while in Edmonton, I learned who my friends were. And you know what? It wasn't the guy I had been 'seeing' at the time. He freaked out when he saw me, and then couldn't stand to be around me afterward. Nicky, who I barely knew at that time, stepped up. So did Greg, and Johnny, and Kyle, Kim, and Pat and Kris, and Maren, and Bob(kewicz). And I barely knew any of them all that well. But they were there for me, and I needed that.
Adam has been through hell and back with me. HE has seen me at my worst, and he is standing by me. I am going through a long road of recovery, and he is beside me now. I push and he holds tighter, I cry and he wipes away the tears. I smile and we smile together. I love him. I love him for the man he is, for the life he has lived. I love him for having the courage to be who he is and not make apologies for it. I love him for having the strength to love, have lost love, and try again. I am thankful he tried again with me. I love him for everything he is, and for everything he has ever or will ever be. My favorite place in the whole world to be is in his arms, with my cheek to his chest, listening to his heartbeat. I love Adam, and I am happy with him. And Adam, you deserve to read this and know that I will tell the whole world from the rooftop that I love you. You love like no other. You are like no other man I have ever met. You are my best friend. A friend unlike any other I have had. A man who is more loyal and more honorable than most can comprehend.
This is not an attack on anyone, this is me finally sharing how I feel with the world. And if you feel attacked, maybe you have something to feel guilty for. Anyone who knows me knows that I have always gone above and beyond the call of friendship. So if you don't return the same loyalty and kindness, perhaps you have something to feel guilty for.
Do not ask me if this is about you. I'll lie and say no. Guilt. But feel free to talk to me about it.
So here you have it: my thoughts. Maybe tomorrow I will feel different, but I doubt it. This has been a long time coming. And if you didn't know that...
~ P
PS It is horrible to think that maybe maybe everyone feels like this. If that is the case, please let me know know I'm not crazy. Then again, if more people feel like this, why put on a brave face? Life is much easier when people are honest.
